Chewing: Wrigley's Eclipse Peppermint Ice gum
Listening to: Émilie Simon - Dame de Lotus
=======================================
darlings ~
It's been some week for me: started TAFE/college and works been a bitch, tired as hell due to TAFE hours .. well, more like the hours in which classes start and seeing as I probably live furtherest away from Hornsby [the TAFE/college I attend], I have to add an extra 3 hours to the actual start hours of class, because of waking up routines and travel time.
Aside from the annoying things, I've made some friends - to my astonishment - and I have a rather nice class, plus I don't have to work as much .. but still, the down fall of that is I am spending more time at TAFE then at work, or just socially with my friends from high school, which, of course, annoys me like hell .. so I didn't really cover all the annoying things - sorry.
SO, moving along .. I've time to have some R&R since it's the weekends, but I've been feeling very lethargic about a lot of things - I believe my dad was the trigger for that, as he has always been - and, I feel so out of place - again, like I always do.
It's funny .. my mum told me that it was my dad who said having a child before marriage was to keep the marriage together, which is so much bull .. on legal issues, DUH you'd want to keep the marriage together, if not the parent who doesn't have custody over the child(ren) will have to pay child support, and if they don't they can charged and if you run away from trying to pay that money, you'll get hunted down and charged, and cough up even more money plus a possible gaol (jail) time.
Oh yeah, he believed this because he friend told him so. Oh! And even more juicy things: I happen to be that child before marriage .. well, my mum was pregnant with me then got married, but you couldn't tell since it was early and all .. still though, just having known that .. and it was pretty long ago my mum told me about it, it's no wonder I feel so out of place.
And the nerve of him!! Seriously .. he says that I listen to friends too much, which again, is total bull - I don't follow friends, as much as I love them, I don't .. I DO have a say on what I want and don't want around them and if they don't like it I don't really go along with it, in other circumstances like going some place to meet up every now and then, yeah .. I sometimes don't like the places but it's because we can still meet up then alright I'll go along with it - however, I still my say.
His a total fuckin' hypocrite.
Everything just gets worse when he is my dad, and I really do have too much of he genes .. almost as if I am him myself .. which, doesn't help with self-esteem and consciousness - I pretty much hate myself - a lot.
I don't see too many good things about myself, while in others I can be positive around them, but not necessarily positive in me, just more on them.
Anyways, just needed to get some things off my chest, so to speak, and out there .. writing takes a little too long and typing is much more convenient, plus there's spell check and the text looks and reads well.
Heh, funnily it's a good thing that people don't read these .. well, not that I know of anyway.
I think I'm slipping back to my old ways of depression .. it's always been like that it's almost normal, which is worrying if this was happening to a friend, so yeah I'm aware I'm doing no good to myself .. and I try and try to stop hurting myself, physically .. mentally and emotionally, and yeah I stop hurting myself physically but mentally & emotionally .. it's getting worse.
Now I wish people read these, and let me know that they are .. or at least let me know there's someone bothered enough to care to read these, know me .. understand me.
Maybe after I die, I'll still be trapped either here or in limbo, because I probably wouldn't know what 'unfinished business' I have to finish .. aside from 'living to the max' which I doubt could ever happen after death.
Sometimes, I just wish I didn't exist at all.
L.
It's been some week for me: started TAFE/college and works been a bitch, tired as hell due to TAFE hours .. well, more like the hours in which classes start and seeing as I probably live furtherest away from Hornsby [the TAFE/college I attend], I have to add an extra 3 hours to the actual start hours of class, because of waking up routines and travel time.
Aside from the annoying things, I've made some friends - to my astonishment - and I have a rather nice class, plus I don't have to work as much .. but still, the down fall of that is I am spending more time at TAFE then at work, or just socially with my friends from high school, which, of course, annoys me like hell .. so I didn't really cover all the annoying things - sorry.
SO, moving along .. I've time to have some R&R since it's the weekends, but I've been feeling very lethargic about a lot of things - I believe my dad was the trigger for that, as he has always been - and, I feel so out of place - again, like I always do.
It's funny .. my mum told me that it was my dad who said having a child before marriage was to keep the marriage together, which is so much bull .. on legal issues, DUH you'd want to keep the marriage together, if not the parent who doesn't have custody over the child(ren) will have to pay child support, and if they don't they can charged and if you run away from trying to pay that money, you'll get hunted down and charged, and cough up even more money plus a possible gaol (jail) time.
Oh yeah, he believed this because he friend told him so. Oh! And even more juicy things: I happen to be that child before marriage .. well, my mum was pregnant with me then got married, but you couldn't tell since it was early and all .. still though, just having known that .. and it was pretty long ago my mum told me about it, it's no wonder I feel so out of place.
And the nerve of him!! Seriously .. he says that I listen to friends too much, which again, is total bull - I don't follow friends, as much as I love them, I don't .. I DO have a say on what I want and don't want around them and if they don't like it I don't really go along with it, in other circumstances like going some place to meet up every now and then, yeah .. I sometimes don't like the places but it's because we can still meet up then alright I'll go along with it - however, I still my say.
His a total fuckin' hypocrite.
Everything just gets worse when he is my dad, and I really do have too much of he genes .. almost as if I am him myself .. which, doesn't help with self-esteem and consciousness - I pretty much hate myself - a lot.
I don't see too many good things about myself, while in others I can be positive around them, but not necessarily positive in me, just more on them.
Anyways, just needed to get some things off my chest, so to speak, and out there .. writing takes a little too long and typing is much more convenient, plus there's spell check and the text looks and reads well.
Heh, funnily it's a good thing that people don't read these .. well, not that I know of anyway.
I think I'm slipping back to my old ways of depression .. it's always been like that it's almost normal, which is worrying if this was happening to a friend, so yeah I'm aware I'm doing no good to myself .. and I try and try to stop hurting myself, physically .. mentally and emotionally, and yeah I stop hurting myself physically but mentally & emotionally .. it's getting worse.
Now I wish people read these, and let me know that they are .. or at least let me know there's someone bothered enough to care to read these, know me .. understand me.
Maybe after I die, I'll still be trapped either here or in limbo, because I probably wouldn't know what 'unfinished business' I have to finish .. aside from 'living to the max' which I doubt could ever happen after death.
Sometimes, I just wish I didn't exist at all.
L.
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