` So much too little

Mood: mixed ..
Drinking: Water, for once
Now playing: Amy Winehouse - Back To Black
via FoxyTunes
----------------

darlings~

Can I get a HOLY SH!T shout out?
Hmm, didn't think so.

Much has happened in the short period of time since I last posted anything.
There are even more assessments to be done in even more short a time, with an even less amount time being spent because I'm mostly at TAFE/college now.
That is, I'm at school 4 days a week and then the weekends are spent working, which leaves only one day per week to finish about 8 different assessments all due pretty much the same time.

Of course, that doesn't really compare to an extremely sudden departure of a high school buddy who I'll leave nameless, as I feel that would respect their families and friends.
That person was a very much liked person around the entire school and community, and a very much lovable person and was bright and cherry, if not sometimes a little hyper but all in a good way.
I was fortunate enough to be allowed and notified to attend their services, but could not stay any longer due to work as they were not family related, and well .. work is a bitch in that sense that we aren't allowed time off to grieve for people that have affected our lives.
I couldn't get close enough to stand by their coffin without bursting out crying, and in my culture it is said we are never to stand next to the deceased and cry at their side as it would be harder for their spirit to move on.
I did eventually go back in to burn some incence and place them in the pot, and pay my respects without the waterworks.
I think what got me most emotional was seeing the family grieve, and especially the mother .. as she went up to the open coffin and stoked their cheek .. I had to look away before I started crying again.
It was hard on many people.

Anyway, since my friends have been all of a sudden got together there was tension between us and though I know we all felt it, we were mature and well-mannered enough to keep that to ourselves and carry on with that day. However, I believe there will continue to be tension but it definitely was not the time and place to bring the situation forward, and I'm glad we did put on our straight faces.
But it was still hard an effort.

...

On another note, my dad decided to upgrade on an even bigger TV screen, thus the TV screen from before is now used as my brother's computer screen [which is extremely huge for a computer screen anyhow] and his original screen is the one I am using now.
I've been waiting for a bigger screen.
I also got my brother's shelf, which needed to go to make room for the TV screen, and thus I gained another item which I needed which was storage, or some sort.
I guess I can tick that off my list of needs .. now, if only I could get a MacBookPro with the latest software/hardware I think I should be set.

As for my penpal, Courtney if you're reading this:
I'M REALLY SORRY I'M TAKING FOREVER TO REPLY TO YOU !!
I got most things set, I just haven't much luck with time to get into a Post Office and sign out all those forms and whatever crap needs my signature.
I wish they could make it easier on use somehow.
But by the beginning of next month, I'll be sure to have it ready to send over at the very least!!

...

Most the events in my life so far that I've typed out here are mostly jumbled up, but somewhat in order.
But I do apologise for any confusion -- it's just been a helluva month.
First the birthdays, the stress, then tragedy and then bitter happiness and stress mostly.
To sum up, to those that read these strange and not-very-coordinated blogs of mine -- thank you~




.lidia

` Music && Soul v.52; Sam Sparro

Album Cover: Sam Sparro - Sam Sparro
=============================================
Song Lyrics: Sam Sparro - Black and Gold

If the fish swam out of the ocean
And grew legs and they started walking
And the apes climbed down from the trees
And grew tall and they started talking

And the stars fell out of the sky
And my tears rolled into the ocean
Now I'm looking for a reason why
You even set my world into motion

[Chorus]:
'Cause if you're not really here
Then the stars don't even matter
Now I'm filled to the top with fear
But it's all just a bunch of matter
'Cause if you're not really here
I don't want be either
I want to be, next to you
Black and gold
Black and gold
Black and gold

I looked up into the night sky
And see a thousand eyes staring back
And all around these golden beacons
I see nothing but black

I feel a way of something beyond them
And I don't see what I can feel
If vision is the only validation
Then most of my life isn't real

[Repeat chorus]

I want to be next to you
Black and gold
Black and gold
Black and gold

[Repeat chorus]

=============================================

` Some things in life ...

Mood: Hmmm, non.
Chewing: Wrigley's Extra Liquid Blast Peppermint
Now playing: Katy Perry - I Kissed A Girl
via FoxyTunes
----------------

darlings ~

CRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAP!!
I'm going back to TAFE/college tomorrow -- hopefully if everything has sorted itself out -- as a second year!
That only means, success that I've passed all my first year classes and more days needed to spend @ the campas, and less work days but longer hours; more travel && less time to get home to get to assessments and projects!!
I don't know whether to rejoice or cry in agony~

Some things in life though, are just better left unknown.
Such as, my little brother's love life where he told me, just like in normal conversation, that his already tongued 3 girls already.
Call me immature and childish -- hey, I know I am and will admit to it -- but I REALLY didn't need to know.
The song by Katy Perry that I'm listening to was cause of that awkward confession.
That is, I rather like the song not only for it's catchy beats *hint hint*, which prompted him to ask if it was because my orientation -- which, I have talked to about with friends and members of the family minusthedadthnx -- which then lead to further questioning.
I really don't want to explain the rest because it makes me feel embarrassed and well, I'm so not used to talking about these things with my younger brother >_>"

I can't be bothered sorting out what I'll be needing to take to class, only because, I don't have a proper timetable 'cept the info my international-korean-TAFE/college-buddy Kate emailed over, which was only a draft, so the class times could've changed by then.
So, I'll probably be bringing my miniatures of equipment, as I would love not to be luggaging lots of heavy things around, and so, bringing half of what the mostly needed things needed should be sufficient -- I hope!!

I seriously cannot wait for the day when I finish my course, and I seriously hope that I'll have some sort of luck which I lack, to get into the business and be successful there, in what I have in mind, and then have enough money to firstly, MOVE OUT and learn to be independent because boy, does my dad have a lot to say about me, in general.
And not in the nicest of ways either -- Such a piss off.
Moving along, once I've learnt to cope with being on my own I hope then to be able to try starting commissions as a sort of way to learn to keep practicing art making and such, and also a way to get some income of my own, on my own.
I think though, I won't move out until I'm 25 and over ... but it's my dream of coping on my own, someday at least I do hope I will be able to do these things.

Now, it's probably funny the way I've talked big about being independent.
That might be because I'm a fairly sheltered child, and one that's also sometimes too accepting of this but overall, is so scared of getting that first foot forward because, I don't know what everything will crumple down in disaster.
I think I'm agrophobic, fear of open spaces .. I went looking into a list of phobias.
Anyway, someday I will learn to cope and I will get over my many, many fears and some day, I will be able to stand up to my dad without any feeling of fear whatsoever.
I just hope, I don't become too cold a person.





.lidia

` Music && Soul v.51; Evanescence

Album Cover: Evanescence - The Open Door
=============================================
Song Lyrics: Evanescence - Lacrymosa

Out on your own
Cold and alone again
Can this be what you really wanted, baby

(Lacrymosa)
Blame it on me
(Dies illa)
Set your guilt free
(Lacrymosa)
Nothing can hold you back now

Now that you're gone
Feel like myself again
Grieving the things I can't repair and willing

(Lacrymosa)
To let you blame it on me
(Dies illa)
And set your guilt free
(Lacrymosa)
I don't want to hold you back now love

I can't change who I am
Not this time
I won't lie, to keep you near me
And in this short life
There's no time to waste on giving up
My love wasn't enough

(Lacrymosa)
And you can blame it on me
(Dies illa)
Just set your guilt free, honey
(Dies illa)
I don't want to hold you back now love

=============================================

` In the day and life of a lastest 19 year old named Lidia

Mood: Lazy
Eating: ÜLKER Biskrem Duo
Now playing: papa roach - Papa Roach - Tightrope (Hidden Track on Infest)
via FoxyTunes
----------------

darlings ~

I am official 19 years old and 7 days; I won't be bothered to note the hours and such.
The cake my mummy bought me the day before my big day, I kept in the fridge so that when I woke up the next morning, I could enjoy it for my breakfast.
Though, no body was home when I woke that morning to greet me with a happy birthday, but I think the cake made up for it and left me with a caty-grin.
It was made up of chocolate cake, and the fillings was the same as the frosting but it also had dark chocolate choc-chips covering the sides!
Very yummy stuff .. well, most dark chocolate delights are pretty yummy.

Oh, I lied about not being greeted with a happy birthday -- a few of my friends all sent me messages to my phone so when I woke up I was rather smiling to some degree.
I also did get a present for this years birthday of mine. It's a plastic panda that's made with the stand and it's solar-powered and bobs it's head side to side when I put it on the window sill to soak up the sunlight.
It makes a slight squeaking noise when it's moving it's head, but it's not fairly distracting and rather something welcome to hear when I wake up, and because my bed is situated right next to my window, I can see and hear the little panda bobbing it's head.
I think I've already talked about that, but anyway, again, it's a very cute and considerate gift and something that will hopefully last my lifetime.

Anyway, I've got the internet capped so I can't load too many things I'm usually loading, thus, I cannot watch the latest updates of my subscribees' vidoes.
BOOOOOO~
Oh well, it's what I get for loading so many Sailor Moon episodes on Veoh.
I got so excited that I found the episodes from where it got left off on TV where they stopped airing it because it got to the part where they were talking about new Sailor Scouts, that is, Sailor Neptune and Uranus, and because their relationship with each other was "talked about" then, they cut it off TV and oh, how it made me want to cry then.
BUT, nothing to cry about anymore because I can go and watch subbed episodes of it all without the annoying english dubbed voices and many times, edited episodes.
So I am quite grateful to those members on Veoh who uploaded all those episodes and all those people behind the subtitles!
And so, as soon as we're uncapped .. I'm most likely going to get the internet capped again by loading all those episodes I've yet to watch.
Fufufufufufu~

It is such a bad thing to stay home all day doing nothing, but I refuse to make more availabilities for work too!
I'd rather home than work really, as of the moment I'm still just doing low earning income of a job and I have to deal with a few of those people who are annoying at registers. I suppose I'm grateful for not being a supervisor, but they get more money which I'm wanting >_> but then again, I'm not very good at handling situations at all.
I get overly flustered and start panicking, which is not a good thing since I do suffer from some sort of panic attacks, not to mention when people get irritated, I'm not one to stay level headed.

Therefore, I am trying to finish my TAFE/college course and come out with a certificate that will allow me within the Graphic Design departments and it's sub-quarters and such, and leave me with some good material to show case to businesses/companies/agencies.
I hope that what I'm doing will allow me to get a chance to travel overseas, and I have my eye on London, and be able to give me enough opportunities to work and live over there, PLUS, it would also give me a chance to finally meet up with Lee.

Although I've been with my friends over here throughout my schooling days, I've never ever meet someone who I could call a best friend.
I used to use it too flimsily for anyone that would, pretty much, be an ass kisser to me or at least anyone that was nice enough to me.
Now that I've grown up in age, and hopefully, in mind too, I've learnt to never use the term best friend for just anyone, and I'm thankful that I was able to keep it long enough to give it to someone who I have finally felt like I could trust with my life.
Yes, unfortunately, not all of my friends in the past would have done this for me, or so they say, but I've learned a few things on the way about those "friends" of the past, that they were quite probably not being much friends at all.
Anyway, the point of all this is basically, it's funny how over here with lots of people already, that my best friend is actually all the way over the other side of the globe, who I've never met in real life but considering this, I felt more safer and felt I could trust Lee more than any of my other friends over here.
Now, not that I don't trust the friends I have here already, but I've never been able to fully tell at least one of them all of how I've felt and thought, because sadly, most of the time they would try to ease the awkwardness they felt whenever I said something that was too weird in their books, and so they never really accepted it but just eased around it. So, with Lee, I've felt that I could tell all and not be judged in the slightest and thus, being able to share that much too, and to be able to really care about someone plus the fact we're miles apart, I was glad to have finally found someone I trusted enough to call my best friend.
Though words can't express all of how our close relationship is, I can safely say that Lee has become more than just a best friend, and noooo, we're not lovers but I think that if in the end, neither of us find the one, we would probably end up together instead.
That's the type of feeling I get with Lee.

Anyway, I could probably have more to type, but whether I can continue to keep typing is a whole other matter.
My fingers are starting to freeze up and get all stiff-like!
I'm quite sure I've typed a bit that my fingers feel this way, so I'll go and end it here for now.
Thank you for those reading~~




.lidia

` Music && Soul v.50; Ladytron

Album Cover: Ladytron - Witching Hour
=============================================
Song Lyrics: Ladytron - Destroy Everything You Touch

Destroy everything you touch today
Destroy me this way
Anything that may desert you
So it cannot hurt you

You only have to look behind
At who's undermined you
Destroy everything you touch today
Destroy me this way

[Verse 1]:
Everything you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Shakes your hand
Takes your gun
Walks you out of the sun

[Verse 2]:
What you touch you don't feel
Do not know what you steal
Destroy everything you touch today
Please destroy me this way

Destroy everything you touch today
Destroy me this way
Anything that may delay you
Might just save you

You only have to look behind you
At who's underlined you
Destroy everything you touch today
Destroy me this way

[Repeat verse 1 & 2] x 2

=============================================

` Mid-summer winter; thatrightthereiswacked.

Mood: wishy-washy
Drinking: Lipton iceTea Peach Flavour
Now playing: Duffy - Mercy
via FoxyTunes
----------------

darlings~

Finally got my very last assessment handed in just in time, on the last day to get it handed in.
*phew* thank goodness that is all over - now - just to wait for results to see if I passed enough to enter into my 2nd year in my course!
Deathly nervous about it all .. firstly because I hope that one teacher didn't mark me that low to not pass, and secondly, because I really hope I didn't waste my time there for nothing.
A total of 4 hours trip back and forth to the college campus, so really, I need to have passed!!
If all is well, then I'll need to keep an eye out for the timetable .. the link to which I have yet to give to Kate [my TAFE buddeh] -- eep!
*does that first ...* -- never mind, the site link which was posted doesn't work, yet I think.

Anyway, today officially marks my little cousin Nathan's 2nd birthday!!
Hoorah!!!!!!!!
And lucky me, since I had to go to TAFE this morning and since his family live near the station I was stopping off at, my mum picked me up and we headed to their place and they got the cakes and YUP! i totally dug in with the frosting XD
...
My mum also mentions when she saw me eating my cake and all clean, that I was like that when I was young .. high and mighty, as she put it, but gentle as my uncle put it.
Like, on the show Ladette to Lady where you get a bunch of misfit chicks and chuck them in a school where you're to learn how to be a lady and such -- basically, acting all lady like.
I think the dainty would suit.
WTH? But still, flattering nonetheless. But eh, whatever happened then is probably long gone but there only slightly because of habit.
...
AND, ladies and gentlemen and darlings, tomorrow will be the anniversary of my Grandfather's passing [on my mummy's side] where I suggested today that we should go pay him a visit.
Because I hoped we'd have a gathering, but alas, that is not to be expected as I hoped we [relatives] could all go back to my family's to celebrate my birthday that would be the day after.
But really! I really did mean for everyone to pay their respects to my Grandfather .. and it's kinda hard not to remember that it's one day before my birthday, really.

Moving along though, I'll be turning 19 for those who were curious.
I know, wtf, right? I don't look it at all .. geez, I know I look old already -- totally the height.
No, I don't think I'll be celebrating with friends and such this year .. I haven't planned anything and it would be waaaay too short a notice to ask anyone now anyway, so yeah, just a small thing for myself.
I plan to go order a cake myself for myself .. a panda cake!!
But what else :P
So yeah .. just enjoying it all myself really.
How sad, lol.





.lidia

` Music && Soul v.49; Amy Winehouse

Album Cover: Amy Winehouse - Back To Black
=============================================
Song Lyrics: Amy Winehouse - Back To Black

He left no time to regret, kept his dick wet
With his same old safe bet
Me and my head high, and my tears dry
Get on without my guy

You went back, to what you knew, so far removed
From all that we went through
And I, tread, a troubled track, my odds are stacked
I'll go back to black

[Chorus]:
We only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I'll go back to

I'll go back to us

I love you much, it's not enough
You love blow and I love puff
And life is like a pipe
And I'm a tiny penny rolling up the walls, inside

[Repeat chorus x2]

Black [x7]
I go back to
I go back to

[Repeat chorus x2]
Black

=============================================