Lost && Frutrated @ everything ..

Just another rant.
You have been warned!

.. *sigh* I've just been really lost and frustrated lately. Like, extremely lost && frustrated.
Not to say the least bit annoyed as well.
Alright, to start off I'm frustrated because of my dad. And why's that?
Because his always so .. ARGH !!!!!!!!!!!!!
One way to put it, I suppose. Just, he totally doesn't know or understand me, one bit whatsoever.
Pfft, like he'd know what kind of things I'll succeed in life with or not.
ifkn<3art
And he wants me to do something like 'buisness' or 'accounting' [no offence to those that heart that kind of thing, it's just that it ain't my kind of thing].
I seriously have absolutely no interest in that kind of area .. and I'm not particularly good at it either, and well put it simply - I don't like it.
I like to follow the philosophy that we do things because we want to oursevles, and not because we were either told/foreced to do so, which completely pisses me off.

Yes, I have told him directly that I have no interest in that kind of thing and I'm not good at it, and I think it's best that I stick to something I enjoy doing and am good at, or at least have the know-how - which I do.
Grrrr ... so you might think I'm just being a spoilt little brat [partly true], but the thing is he wants everything his way, and quite frankly that is NOT going to happen in the future.
Right now I have no choice much, since I'm supposedly living in his house [totally ignoring that his sweet, dear wife is out of the picture .. as in he doesn't really include my mum in much of these "discussions" or whatnot] and he goes on about how his so pissedoffangryfrustrated that he got such idiotic children [I'm first born then I gots my 'lil bro] .. and complains and whines && complains and whines .. etc.
Ha! We [referring to my brother and I] get fknpissedoffangryfrustrated too .. it's like he thinks we're not old enough to understand those type of feelings. Seriously .. he needs to wake up or someone bitch slap him upside, hopefully knock some sense into that stubborn, hard-headed brain of his.


[I could go on and on and on, etc about my dad, really.]

But, what's the point? He wants us to change .. he wants us to be smart and rich and know everything.
GAH!! How am I suppose to know so many things when the only connection to the outside world is the internet .. I wouldn't even consider TV much of a connection anymore since my daddy dearest got himself a huge ass satallite and watches the Chinese channels 24/7, so I'm barely in touch with the real world .. and the phone? Pfft, I forgot what that thing is long time ago. I only use it when my manager or supervisors ring me from work, or I pick up the phone only to have the phonecall not for me anyways.
Now that I think about it, I don't even go online on MSN much anymore.
I know why though .. but it's kinda personal [pfft, my dad issue isn't personal .. whole different thing there - I'll share a lot there if you ask] so I don't really want to dulge into it too much.
Sorries dearies.

Anyways, my dad is probably the reason why I've been frustrated lately.
Or perhaps maybe, being cooped up inside the house almost 24/7 is driving me to complete insanity .. and I'm already pretty much not so sane anymore in the first place.

Sooooooo .. what's been making me feel so lost?
Hmmm .. eh, probably the fact I'm a dreamer and I'm always not paying much attention to the world because I like to escape to my La La Land where I feel much better? Hmmmm ??
Probably .. and then again, it's just that I'm like this.
This sort of person that has their heads in the clouds sort of deal. But I do come back down to earth every now and again, don't you worry about that!
I guess I've always been the type of person that has never truly understand what it is in life I want .. what I want to do in this life, what I want to be .. what I could be.
I don't think I'll ever truly 100% know for sure .. I'm a very unsure, insecure && paranoid person - which doesn't help any bit!!
Sometimes, I can go to the extreme and just want to .. well, not be here anymore. But then I'm scared shitless to try to kill myself .. heh, no wonder I can't achieve anything. I'm always so scared.

It's strange, I can blab and rant and rave as much as I want here.
Then when I feel like I want to talk about it .. I can't. And, I don't know exactly who to.
So I suppose that's why I create so many blogs, and whatnot .. places where I can put my thoughts down.
Even if no one reads these, it doesn't matter too much .. of course I would appreciated it a lot if people did read this and let me know they're reading this .. trying to understand a simple-minded complex human being. Aren't we all? Complex?

Then there are other times when I'm still thinking I don't want to exist, but still want to live.
Like, have a different identity .. living a different, happier life where I know what I want to do with my life, and be able to pursade them.
Unfortunately, I'm not like that .. hardly.
But .. a girl can dream. Something which my dad doesn't want me to do.

[I've also unfortunately, adopted my dad's habits from ranting and raving on all accounts of stuff .. going back and forth, and so on. Almost never ending.
Sorries if I'm driving you insane, but I did warn you]

Blah! I just don't know.
I'm getting that feeling again .. daydreaming sort of, and it feels nice.
It's hard to explain what one's feeling, ay? Oh wells.
It's sort of nostalgic, and like deja vu .. and dreaming all at the same time.
Heh .. when I feel like this I usually somehow end up making a poem .. but I already forgot what words I wanted to use.
Oh wells! It's what happens .. life for ya.
Gotta write/type things down before I forget. I've got a horrible memory LoLs ~

I'm a weird person, but I only figured that out a long couple of years ago.
My mum told me that when I was born I didn't cry, and when I grew a little older like todiler age, I didn't talk much.
I remember she told me that I probably knew that my life was going to be like this .. something I didn't particular enjoy wholely.
I mean, I adore my mum .. even if it doesn't seem so.
She's extremely cute sometimes, and such a kid and rebel at heart. She's like my idol.
And, I'm proud to say she's my mum.
I love my mummy!

[screw that part where it says I love my daddy .. pfft!!]

Back to my mummy, [yes, I will forever call her that] I think she's like the good and warm, welcoming person that evens out my dad's evil and cold demeanor.
Still though, if my parents were ever to split .. hmmm, that's another long story I would go with my mum for sure, no questions asked.
Sure, my dad works and gets money and is more able to work .. while my mum is fragile at the look, but still pretty strong physically, mentally && emotionally plus she's the one that knows how to deal with people way better than my dad.

ANYWAYS!!!!!! I best be shutting up now .. this blog window is kinda stuffing up on me.
If I have any spelling errors, it's because I don't really pay attention when I'm typing && I don't go back to spell check it either 8D !!
Wonderful, isn't it?! Really .. no need to answer that >_>"
Well, thank you if you've read all that.
Even if you don't reply I'm really grateful that you even took the time to read all of that jibberish I type and call just another daily blog xwx I love to type by the way xD so that would explain it.

[EDIT: If you're wondering why this blog looks weird, it's because the fkn blog window thing really f'd up on me :) No, I'm not really happy about it .. duh]

Again, thanks for reading.

xox Lids